Behold The World's Worst Accident

When I am dead, lay me in a mound...

2009-11-16T00:20:57Z

Okay, so this shit is important. I've got no plans of dying any time soon, but you never know if there's an articulated lorry round the corner, so...this is what I want done when I die. If you're reading this (at least, after it's gone from the front page of my journal. I really hope I last that long,) you're probably my parents or partner, in which case - oops. Sorry. And if you don't do as I say in the next paragraph, I'll come back and haunt the hell outta you. Or would, if I believed in that stuff.

I've signed up to give my body to science, so that bit's sorted out - if they ask you who it should go to, find a decent med school and give me to the students to prod at. I don't want them holding some daft memorial service with whatever's left, and I'm damned if I'm having a Christian service. Be told! Ask for the parts back (I checked the direct.gov site, you can do that.) Take them to Norway - somewhere in the forest, if there's some good Norse history behind it that'd be cool. Nowhere where there's been too much blood spilled, if possible. No famous defeats for the Norse side. Anyway - take the bits (don't burn them up first, please,) put them in the ground, in a barrow - er, the mound-of-earth kind, not the wheely kind - with my Mjollnir pendant on top. Find a gothi or gythja who can write the Elder Futhark (that should be most of them,) and have them say a few words. For their information - I'm sworn to Hod and Baldur, I try to live by the Hávamál (even though I'm teetotal) and I've got no real problems with ending up in Hel if Freja doesn't want me, haha. Get the gothi or gythja to write something fitting in Elder Futhark, carve it into a stone (not some fancy-arse headstone, something more, y'know, natural. Like the memorial stones at the museum in Copenhagen, you remember), and stick it next to my barrow.

Then go away and live your lives. If I've got any stuff left, sell what you can and give the money to the James Randi Educational Foundation. He'll find a use for it.

Also, he knows that TED HAGGERTY IS COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL. Honest.

2009-11-10T23:16:16Z

This guy. Is awesome.

His name is Roy Zimmerman, and I think he's on the shortlist for "Tom Lehrer of Moose's Generation," along with Tim Minchin and a few other YouTube people~

Fuck me. I guess I get to go to uni, then. Woah.

2009-11-04T19:05:21Z

I. Just got. An unconditional offer. From Royal Holloway.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

This is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me.

That's the next three years of my life sorted, then.

Yee!

Also, those horned helmets are massively historically innacurate.

2009-11-04T01:09:46Z

People. PEOPLE.

The people who lived in Scandinavia between one and three thousand years ago, who did a bit of raiding around the Northumberland coast and worshipped Odin, Týr, and Thor?

NOT. VIKINGS.

Well. Some of 'em were Vikings. That is because Viking was a job description. It more or less meant "far-farer" - i.e. a travelling, sea-faring warrior/pirate/raider/killing-people-who-aren't-us-person. It's like calling the English "bankers" or the Welsh "sheep-shaggers" just because they're the most recognisable employment-based stereotypes of those cultures.

The correct word is, if you need a unified word for the many disparate and often terminally argumentative groups of people who populated - broadly - that area at - broadly - that time and worshipped - broadly - those gods and partook - broadly - in those activities would be Norsemen.

Okay?

Also his name has too many variables for Wikipedia's liking.

2009-11-03T22:00:58Z

I love the current adverts for Kellogg's Cornflakes; the ones that focus on J.H. Kellogg, founder of the enterprise, and his "understanding of a healthy diet."

John Harvey Kellogg was a Seventh Day Adventist who believed that masturbation was the greatest vice and sickness known to man, and advocated the blandest imaginable diet to "cure" it. According to him, sensible treatments also included applying pure carbolic acid to the clitoris, and electrocuting the penis.

By the way, he also believed in twice-daily yoghurt-and-water enemas to keep the intestine "squeaky clean".

So why is the Kellogg corporation proud of this guy, exactly?

He did have a rather excellent moustache, though.

But I want to rage against the patriachy!

2009-11-03T00:04:44Z

feminist_rage keep rejecting me for membership. IDK why but it makes me quite sad. Am I not a feminist now? Do I have to present my "not a jackass" card? :c

LIVING DEAD...pumpkin. Um.

2009-11-01T17:11:47Z

Oh, I almost forgot to post this! It's the final pumpkin I did, as a complement to the other three. Rob Zombie pumpkin! I meant to do this one...last year? The year before? I remember posting about it, anyway, but I never got around to it. This year, however, I really didn't have anything better to do with my time. It was a huge motherfucker of a pumpkin, too. My arms hurt so much after carrying it back from the Co-op. :c

I know it's fashionable to be an extremist in metal, but this is fucking stupid.

2009-11-01T16:50:27Z

So, I heard from a bloke at a gig (not a reliable source, I know, but shut up, he turned out to be right) that Candlelight Records supports and gives money to PETA. You know, the fucknuts who call fish "sea kittens" and think I should die painfully because I like a bacon sandwich? Yeah, them.

Candlelight gives them money.

Proof. Scroll down to under the credits, and in the notes section there's a line proudly proclaiming "Candlelight supports PETA". Also this, also this. These aren't from "the bad old days" - this is all within the last four years.

I've made a list of bands I'm into who are either signed to Candlelight or use them as an international distribution service (there's a lot of those - some labels, such as Reprise, use Candlelight for all their American distribution). It's a pretty fucking long list. Eighty-seven albums I'd consider buying, or (in some cases) really want to buy or (in a couple of cases) already have, but now can't get because I'd be giving money to a terrorist organisation.

What the fuck. What the fuck.

The bands, by the way, include BAL-FUCKING-SAGOTH (not signed, thankfully, but The Chthonic Chronicles was released in the USA on Candlelight, without the band's knowledge or permission), Emperor, Opeth, Insomnium, Gorgoroth, and Ensiferum.

This makes me very sad. I can only hope the bands involved are just ignorant of Candlelight's policy, rather than actually supporting it.

Electricity is a mysterious and creepy thing.

2009-10-24T00:29:48Z

I'm SO CONFUSED. One of the lights in the sitting room didn't come on when I flipped the switch, so I figured the bulb had blown (and IIRC it was out last time I was in here.) I left the switch on, because I didn't notice it wasn't on until I'd sat down, and I'm lazy.

But it's just turned on! Without me touching the switch!

WHAT THE HELL. D=

And I still didn't look as cool as Obama

2009-10-23T14:20:33Z

The problem with swatting flies is that you end up with fly guts all over your hands.

Ewew. :c

And the thing is, free immigration is GOOD for the country.

2009-10-23T12:06:12Z

There's not much more for me to say about last night's Question Time that I didn't say on my Twitter feed, but I'd like to restate my love for Bonnie Greer. Holy shit that woman is amazing.

Turns out, Griffin's father never fought in WWII - he fitted radios to Spitfires. Also, having a parent who was drafted into the military =/= not being a Nazi.

An image to keep in mind, whenever Griffin claims that he's "not a Nazi" and to have "no links to fascist organisation":

In other news: someone at the Co-op is clearly a True Blood fan. They were playing the theme tune over the PA when I was in there earlier. XD

Multiculturalism, my arse.

2009-10-19T20:04:54Z

I'm watching Panorama (not an activity I usually partake in, mind), because it's the documentary that this article is about. It's...pretty fucking horrifying, frankly. I'm used to witnessing racism that's either relatively minor and casual (assumptions being made about someone's views, life, or interests because of their race or nationality) or ridiculous and caricaturish (a lot of the stuff from America.)

What I've never been exposed to the kind of things that the two people doing this documentary have been - they're both British Muslims, posing as a married couple who have just moved into an area of Bristol known for high levels of racist violence. They walk the streets to see people's reactions - she wears a headscarf and conservative clothes, he sometimes wears a taqiyah - and the level of abuse they encounter is...beyond appalling. They get verbally abused, bricks, cans, and stones thrown at them, they get threatened with serious violence, and the guy actually get punched in the head. There are constant taunts of "Paki", "jihad", "terrorist"...the level of hatred shown by the white people in those areas (read: everyone, because racial diversity is hardly a byword of the place) is astonishing. Maybe it's because I'm used to Nottingham, which (in the nice bits, anyway) is diverse and relatively welcoming and at least less racist than many other places, but I didn't realise that this kind of behaviour was still around, at least in England, and not in the kind of concentration that I've just seen. I'm sure that makes me seem dreadfully naive. Perhaps I am.

Until now, I thought people who voted for the BNP did so because they were taken in by their rhetoric about jobs and benefits and all that nonsense - not because they honestly hated people of colour. Apparently, I was wrong. They really are that full of pointless, poisonous hatred.

I was shocked when the BNP got their people elected. I'm not shocked now. I'm fucking furious.

I DO COCAINE

2009-10-18T15:47:43Z

"I thought we agreed no clowns!"

"No, we didn't agree nothing. We just all yelled and then he was beaten, that was our conclusion."

That is maybe the story of the last two weeks for me. Just with fewer clowns.

Sent off my UCAS form. Eeee. >.<

Seeing Bellowhead tonight. Eeee! =D

He's being quite poetic, though.

2009-10-16T21:52:46Z

Rufus Hound is naked, on my television, playing badminton with Marcus Brigstocke, and doing periodical cartwheels.

I'm not sure what to think of this.

Pumpkins! (Are gross but fun.)

2009-10-15T22:46:55Z

It's never nice to finish a day on Angry God Stuff (well, I think it is, but as we all know I thrive on conflict) so have some pictures of the three pumpkins I carved today, designs courtesy of the wonderful ZombiePumpkins.com.

Happy Jack!

Creepy Jack!

Otis!

These were pretty fun to make. Gutting pumpkins is really, really disgusting, though, and they smell vile. I am still amazed that Americans consider the pumpkin to be an edible object. As far as I am concerned, it is the least edible member of the squash family, a set of foodstuffs I am in any case very much not fond of. I don't seem to be able to get the smell out of my hands, which is pretty gross.

Living in a courtyard of priests + creepy pumpkins = FUN TIMES around the corner, methinks. I think it'd be better if we had the weird breeder family over the way instead of the CRAZY TALKATIVE but quite nice new people, but whatev. I bet the Dean will freak out. Bwahahaha~

My final thought for tonight is that everyone should listen to Metsatöll, and someone should buy me a kantele and some bagpipes. And preferably an accordion, too, because I played one for the first time today (and left my bag in the shop FFFFFFF but thankfully it didn't get nicked) and liked it VERY MUCHLY. If I have some job money saved up by Christmas I may get one~

I've got a pink sparkly unicorn in "my world." PROVE ME WRONG.

2009-10-15T22:35:35Z

RANT TIME.

Actually, it's going to be a pretty short rant, because I'm quite tired and would like to sleep at some point. Also I smell of pumpkin (more on that later.)

Here is an amusing video for your enjoyment.

~~Some~~ most of the comments, on the other hand, are neither amusing nor enjoyable, but rather asininely stupid. A lot of them come back to the distressingly post-modern idea of "I have my world and you have your world and we see them in different ways."

Bollocks. You might see things differently to other people but that doesn't change what the world is and is not. There is one world, material and testable and empirical, and whilst we may experience it in different ways because of our different backgrounds, opinions, and levels of intelligence and knowledge (amongst other things), that doesn't change the world itself.

The only way we can really learn about the world is through empirical, rational testing of it, because that is the only way to find out anything concrete. There's no reason to believe anything that can't be proved (beyond reasonable doubt) through empirical enquiry, because what you can tell about the world without the scientific method is biased and flawed. The scientific method, applied correctly, is neither of these things.

So no, apologists, it's not okay to have a god in "your world." There is no "your world". And, frankly, there is no god. Empirical world, empirical statement, lack of empirical proof.

I'm sure most of that didn't make any sense to anyone but me, but fuck it. ANGRY GOD STUFF AT NEARLY MIDNIGHT RARR.

Woop woop well done fellow pinko-Commie liberal Guardian-reader!

2009-10-13T23:00:25Z

Johann Hari has won a Comment Award! Totally deserved, in my opinion. He's an awesome bloke, a good writer, and - most importantly of all - agrees with me~

Ahem. I KID, I KID.

Damned if I know why Littledick won an award, though. I'm more of the inclination that he should be disqualified from the human race, if anything.

Tumman virran taa!

2009-10-07T23:20:18Z

Just (literally; eating post-gig toast right now) got back from Ensiferum. Review in three sentences:

Tracedawn are sweet but have some growing up to do.
Metsatöll rock out with their...bagpipes out.
Ensiferum are gods in kilts.

That is all. I leave you with a picture of the Metsatöll frontman, Markus "Rabapagan" Teeäär, and his very impressive facial hair.

I stand behind my "self-aggrandizing, martyr-complexing twat" comment, though.

2009-09-29T21:40:44Z

Just found out that I'm actually friends (in a distant, Eton Choral Course way) with a Varg Vikernes fan. He just posted Varg's "explanation" of Euronymous' death as a Facebook link.

Euuurgh.

I'm not even going to link to the page he posted, because it's just...vile, stupid, hateful spiel, as we've come to expect from Varg. But for fuck's sake, I'd kind of hoped my friend had more sense than that.

If I could expose people who try to be "edgy" to this, Clockwork Orange-style, I would.

2009-09-28T20:06:29Z

From an excellent polemic on "political correctness" at Zuky which should be read by everyone, ever:

"As it's commonly used, "PC" is a deliberately imprecise expression (just try finding or writing a terse, precise definition) because its objective isn't to communicate a substantive idea, but simply to sneer and snivel about the linguistic and cultural burdens of treating all people with the respect and sensitivity with which they wish to be treated."

This. Just...this.

I feel all abandoned and lost

2009-09-24T20:52:07Z

So many webcomics have ended recently/are ending soon! Everything's been chuntering on steadily for two or three years, and then within three months Friendly Hostility and Scary Go Round have finished, and Yu+me, Serenity Rose, and Girly have announced that they're ending within a year (or within a couple of weeks, in Serenity Rose's case).

It's not that I'm complaining - all stories have to end, and it's not like the artists/writers aren't going on to other things (certainly, K. Sandra Fuhr and John Allison, of Friendly Hostility and Scary Go Round respectively, started new comics immediately after their previous ones finished - Other People's Business and Bad Machinery - both of which feature characters from the previous comics in secondary roles, which makes me happy.) It's only that webcomics are, pathetically, one of the most constant things in my life (you only have to look at my Webcomics Pimping List to see how many of them I read) and comics like Friendly Hostility and Yu+me - which, I think, are the first two I started reading, way back when - are actually pretty important to me, in a weird way. I invest a lot of emotion in them, because, unlike a book or a film, they're a very long-term involvement. A film lasts two hours, a book maybe a week, but a webcomic can last over a decade, with the same core cast of characters. I suppose it's like a soap opera, just...less awful. And without the horror of bad acting. But you see my point; Fox and Collin, Lia and Fiona, Otra and Winter have been a part of my life for something like five years, and letting go of them is quite hard. I can only imagine how hard it must be for their creators.

Of course, the solution to this would be to get a goddamn life. But this seems an unlikely thing to happen.

Why does he bother? IDGI.

2009-09-21T20:19:02Z

My father has a bizarre and incredibly deep loathing of Jon Stewart and the Daily Show. I have no idea why. He doesn't like most modern comedy (he thinks it's unintelligent because it makes use of profanity) but he really, really hates the Daily Show.

Every time I watch it he doesn't just leave the room; he stays there to make disparaging comments about how "he's just making a funny face!"

Now that's a level of loathing I may never achieve.

Fffffff I hate my family.

2009-09-18T21:20:45Z

My grandparents are staying with us over the weekend.

I do not get on with my grandparents.

My grandmother is sitting next to me, making little "hmph" noises every three seconds or so.

What the fuck, can she not breathe without making noise?

I'm trying to watch television, for fuck's sake. =|

Gods forbid I get old if this is what'll happen to me.

Yllä harmaan korven korpit laulaa

2009-09-13T14:03:49Z

So, Ensiferum's new album, From Afar, came out...four days ago, though of course it leaked a couple of weeks before that. I've done a lot of listening to this new album. This post, by the way, isn't a review; I'm not in that business and I'm far from qualified to start making judgements about music. It'd just end up being "MOOSE LIKE."

No, what this is is a complaint. Not about the album - I have no complaints about the album. My complaint is about the way the media (er, I say "media", I mean like two magazines and a few websites) have treated the last album, 2007's Victory Songs.

I love Victory Songs. I actually think it's probably Ensiferum's best album (though the new one may have taken that title. I'm not sure yet.) I think the scope, execution, and concept of the album and songs is fantastic. The non-metal instruments are well-integrated, the lyrics are actually meaningful and at some times even poetic, and there's a good balance between headbanging kickassery and more sensitive melodic content. I fucking love that album.

Apparently, this is not a view shared by the musical establishment. Or, rather, it was, but is no longer.

I can't remember (or find on the internet) how ZT and Terrorizer reviewed it but judging from everyone else's reaction of the time it was probably pretty good, if not entirely rave. Metal Hammer (*spit spit*) gave it 8/10, AllMusic gave it 4/5...that's a general indication of its reception. Positive with a few reservations.

Now, however...in the interview with Ensiferum in the most recent (#188) issue of Terrorizer, it's described as "a whimper" (as opposed to a bang, I guess). This is a view I'm seeing a lot in reviews of From Afar. It's as if, in the view of an outstanding new album, the merely very good older one has been kicked in the balls and relegated to the corner.

The hell? It's not really the first time this has happened, either. I don't disagree with Kyle of Metal Reviews when he calls Iron "One of the best folk metal albums of all time in my opinion" - a view that's echoed in many halls, since Jason of the same site gave it 96/100 and it's standing at 88% from 11 reviews at the Encyclopaedia Metallum - but it's generally used as a benchmark by which to judge all subsequent Ensiferum releases. The problem is, those comparisons inevitably wind up as "Iron was fantastic, ergo [insert release here] is shite." By the looks of it, this is what's happening now, retrospectively, in light of From Afar.

Bollocks. Iron was great. From Afar is great. But you know what? So was Victory Songs, so (to a slightly lesser extent) was Dragonheads, so was Ensiferum. Lest they turn into a Europop group, Ensiferum are unlikely to release a bad record. So can we please stop retonning our opinions of past albums to give the illusion of balance?

I'm looking at a picture of a dog pissing on an angel's Converse and thinking of you

2009-09-09T11:12:56Z

Monday was kind of excellent and kind of awful, IDK. Maya and Ana and I - Fi would have come too, but her phone died so she didn't get my texts about it - went to Derby for the Pokémon Summer Fête, 'cause they had an exclusive Regigigas download and face painting and all sorts of awesome shit and we wanted a piece of it. Official website said it was on from the 3rd to the 7th.

Turns out, not so much. It finished on fucking Sunday. We so nearly went on Friday.

Fuck fuck fuck.

That aside, we actually had a really good time. Derby's Westfield shopping centre is - for something in Derby, anyway - surprisingly cushy, with video screens everywhere and touch-screen information points and shiny shiny floors. It's a pretty good place to spend the better part of a day, especially since it's probably bigger than the Victoria Centre and the Broadmarsh put together. I found out that Ana's mother (and by extension, Ana herself) likes CocoRosie (HAPPY JOY I've never before found anyone who's even heard of them), we ate the sourest candy ever - as documented here (Maya's reaction) and here (mine) - did some shopping, played a lot of Pokémon (BITCH THAT'S MY FLAG no hold on MOVE YOU'RE IN THE WAY wait wait AHAHAHAH YOU FELL IN A HOOOOOLE) and generally made the place our own.

Turns out the bus we got into Derby (the indigo, which takes maybe an hour and twenty minutes) was...not the fastest route. We got the Red Arrow back, which took, er, maybe twenty-five minutes. Oops. My bad.

Chris and Guy's 19th birthday party tonight. I can't be bothered to go - it'll just be a piss-up, of course - but it's fancy dress, with points for "hilarity, sexiness, and originality", so Maya's going as, er, a flasher. We went to Backlash and she got a big overcoat and a belt, and she's going to wear sexy underwear underneath. I think that'll be quite excellent. XD

I've been so...I'm not even sure, actually. Recently, I've been feeling kind of bored but unsure how to alleviate that boredom, kind of wanting to do something practical but then deciding not to, iconing and giving up half-way through...I need to find something to do that's not just watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

The other new thing is I'm going on a hydration binge. Well, not a binge, more of a "lifestyle change" (I sound like the Fat Man) in that I'm trying to drink two litres of water a day (plus my usual can or two of Diet Coke and morning glass of orange juice) in the hope that all those promises they make about improved skin and health and mental clarity might have a grain of truth in them. It's probably too early to tell, but I don't fell all that better. And I think my skin's gotten worse over the past couple of weeks. Huh.

Oh, but, in health-related good news: I've gone down a jeans size. I'm now one size above the national average. Woop woop. I'm not going to hype that up too much - actually, there's a whole blog post to be made about my attitude towards weight and weight loss, but it's a separate, politics-skewed post that I'll not make yet - but I am quite pleased. And also slightly confused because I've not done any exercise in ages and I've not noticed any real diet change. Maybe I'm just eating a little less?

I've gotten an account at Shelfari, too. It seems like a useful, pretty-in-a-digital-way method of keeping track of my books and so on. And of guilting myself into reading some of the books that have been sitting on my bed-side table for a couple of years. Knowing me, I'll forget about it/get sick of it in a month or two (cf. Twitter, the Kill Everyone Project, voice-recognition software), but it's nice in the interim. In other book-related news, I got Wet Moon 5 yesterday, totally adored it, screamed at the cliffhanger and also shrieked at the CocoRosie poster in Audrey's bedroom. It's the Noah's Ark album, too, which is my favourite! Everyone should listen to that album, especially Bear Hides and Buffalo and South 2nd (apologies for the weird video, just minimise the window and listen, the song's hearbreaking.)

I'm not sure if I've got much more to say at the moment. The weather's been really strange recently - it was so cold over the weekend that I needed a hot water bottle at night, but then it was scorching yesterday and I think it's hot today, too, judging from the blue sky and bright sun outside. I'm not sure if I like this. The weather seems to have moodswings on a par with mine.

Also, I'm not sure if I want to do Bach Choir this term. Not only are all the works in English - and I know it's stupid but I deeply hate singing sacred music in English, because if it's in Latin or German or whatever I can kind of ignore the words, but it's almost physically painful to me to spout the kind of awful words that crop up in the libretto for a lot of cantatas - but the music's also pretty terrible. The Vaughn-Williams "Five Mystical Songs" is lovely because Vaughn-Williams is always lovely, and I don't know the Parry "Bles't pair of ~~nylons~~ sirens" but the Grier "Around the Curve of the World" is utter shite. The reduction sounds like you're punching the piano. I'm going to listen to the recording over this week and if all of it sounds like what we sung last night, I'm not going back next week.

The thing that really bugs me is that if I tell my parents that I don't want to sing it because I can't stand the religion in the text, I'll be laughed at. If I converted to a non-Christian religion - if I became a proper Muslim or Hindu or whatever - they'd probably accept it, after a while, but because I'm an atheist my objection to religion is somehow less valid than it would be if I was just objecting to one religion because of the faith I'd chosen. Some of the sentiments in sacred music are horrifying - have you listened to some of the Psalms recently? - and I feel really...sick and wrong and uncomfortable singing them, but whenever I try to explain this I just get mocked.

The underlying fear, for me, is that I won't be able to escape this. All opera singers have to work the oratorio circuit, it's how it works - it's the only way you can support yourself because opera productions are few and far between. So what am I going to do? I can't just avoid all oratorios and cantatas in English, I'd go bankrupt. But I just can't bring myself to promote the vile lies in sacred music.

What am I going to do?